My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning.

I'm not making new years resolutions this year, I'm making goals. I think it will be easier to keep my eye on the ball when I have something to work and look forward to, instead of just making changes that won't stick because I don't really care.

New Years Goals for 2010: Optimism is Optimum

1. Get License and Car - This should have happened a long long time ago. It's pathetic that it hasn't. The only things I really need at this point are proof of residence and a way to the test/someone who will let me use their car. After that, I get the car promised as a graduation present and my stress levels will be cut dramatically.
2. Get a Morning Routine - My advisor in college has one for her days off that goes something like this: wake up early, eat breakfast doing the crossword puzzle, read the paper, do some writing, do some tidying, shower, lunch, errands and exercise and all that jazz. Basically what really made me admire this is that she had everything she wanted to get done for herself before she even left the house. I think that's a great way to start the day, taking some time to let yourself recharge and refocus before the world gets in the way. I want to do something similar, but I think I'll have to start waking up earlier and that's not something to look forward to.
3. Keep Doing My Best at Work/Save Save Save - I like my job, and while some people may think it would be hard to have a college degree and just be a waitress, I actually enjoy it a lot. The only problems that I encounter are ones I feel I have to fix myself, such as not being able to get to work (see 1st goal) and when I feel I'm not living up to my own standards. If I get stressed out at work it's usually because I am trying to get everything done, and the easiest way to reduce that stress is to just continue pushing through everything. When it comes to the money, after I move I will be able to save a considerable amount more than I do now, and I will hopefully be able to budget in a way that allows for me to save up for emergencies, a nest egg, or maybe a little trip now and then. But the first thing is always going to be making sure I pay my bills.
4. Streamline Possessions - My computer crashed yesterday. I am having awful with-drawls and can hardly get past it (I just got all those episodes of Psych and now I can't even get to them), but I think it's for the best at this time. The computer has been a distraction from me actually getting my ass in gear and cleaning/organizing. I don't need so much stuff. I don't need all those clothes. I need to do laundry more often and only have what I wear, instead of massive amounts of clothes I don't use. I don't need so many trinkets and collected items, what I should be doing is not putting so much emotional value on items that take up room in my life for no reason. It's time to slough off the old to reveal the new, to exfoliate the useless clutter from my life.
5. Eat Healthier - This is just something that is nearly impossible so much of the time because I don't have a lot of money or the ability to get groceries. But that needs to change. There is no excuse for me to die at 25 from a heart attack. Bacon cheese burgers are going to have to be only on special occasions.
6. Stop Wasting Time/Keep What is Important Around - Sure, I like people. I do. I love getting to chat and talk and discuss other people's lives and explain my own. But having a bunch of people I can chat with is not the same as having the people I love around and getting to enjoy their company. That means this year I'm going to make sure that not only do the important (The Best Friend, Germany, Maxwell) get treated like they are such but also that I get to keep them in my life in any which way that will have to happen. I want to be a background music to their lives.
7. Find a Place To Go, Get the Means To Go There - The Best Friend and I are setting off on our own come may, and this is directly about that. We aren't sure where yet, but we'll figure it out. In order to have this plan work we need to formulate a plan to begin with, and in order for me to hold up my end of this deal I need to start getting my ass in gear regarding each of the former goals.

Meat is murder. And murder is murder as well.

Christmas time has passed and I'm extremely happy about it. Family can only be so good for so long, at least mine can only behave for so long. But there was some good loot to be gained, such as a fantastic winter coat! It's a 686 boarding jacket and it's super warm and fun colors! Then I also got an iPod nano that can play videos and chocolate and hand cream and a 25 dollar gift card to iTunes which I promptly spent on 14 episodes of Psych to watch on my iPod and "I Only Have Eyes For You" by the Flamingos. Perfect! I also saw Sherlock Holmes which was amazing, and I would love to see it again about 16 times in the next few weeks.
Yesterday I worked a double at Gin Gin's and I didn't know I was going to be working a double so I was quite tired by the time my boss got me drunk in hopes I would belt out some Broadway hits. Instead I turned on Katy Perry's "Ur so Gay" and sang it at him. I made some good money though, considering I still can't pay rent as of today. I'm just going to try not to spend anymore until I can I guess. That's going to be hard, I want everything. But it's the last month of rent until I move and then I don't have to pay rent, it will all be saving.
Speaking of, packing still needs to be done but I don't want to today. I'm just not in the mood. I want to eat chocolate before I have to give up all yummy things for my new years resolution, which is basically to get healthier because I eat lots of crummy food. So I want chocolate now.

"You've got tattoos, they'll listen to you."

I found this site this week and it had a nice little horoscope thingy for me:

"The Solstice sets off your house of relationship, bringing up every issue that has yet to be felt. Advice from Abraham-Hicks is timely support. ‘My happiness depends on me, so you’re off the hook.’ And then demonstrate it. Be happy, no matter what they’re doing. Practice feeling good, no matter what. And before you know it, you will not give anyone else responsibility for the way you feel - and then, you’ll love them all. Because the only reason you don’t love them, is because you’re using them as your excuse to not feel good."

Surprise surprise! Today at work I found myself reminded of this exact thing when my manager became stressed and a bit mouthy in the bad way. I kept on thinking at first something along the lines of, "what the fuck?" But I realized that it really wasn't about me, it was that there was something going on that I was not really involved in at all and he was barking at everyone about it. Which, on the one hand, was sort of annoying, but on the other hand, everyone had to know about this thing and how important it was so that none of us messed it up. (yes, it actually was that important.)

I also got to deal with one of those awesome moments where another person gives their perspective on things and I get to feel like all of a sudden my socks are turned inside out and I don't understand how that happened when I was wearing them all day. I don't understand how a person can be so excited for the future and so hopeless about it at the same time. I'm the kind of person that can handle knowing something will happen later and look forward to it, meanwhile the other person is having a hard time with the concept. It's called patience, and you don't only have to have it with other people/things, but with yourself. So you're feeling lonesome/hopeless/down, feel it and then give yourself a pep talk and get on with life.

Basically the one thing I figured out from all of that is that it doesn't matter if you blame someone for making you unhappy, because you can hate or love someone that you claim makes you unhappy. It's about getting over it, letting the chips fall where they may and picking them up after they have settled.

Psyche & Eros

You said, "Tell me"

You asked, "Do you think Love and Soul are the same?

If not, how does the Soul earn Love?

How does Love find his Soul?

Can one exist wtihout the other?

If Love and the Soul had a child

what would her name be?"

"Tell me your name," I said

"You already know

If you are Soul

I am the other one"

Psyche in a Dress, Francesca Lia Block

Boys VS Girls

I was talking to a friend the other day about our family lives, we both have hard relationships with women in our lives and we were discussing them. She mentioned something I haven't thought about much, that we as women forgive men more easily than other women. I pondered this for a bit, then made my decision as to why that is.
I think that women are less likely to forgive other women because we assume that other women think the same way we do, or feel the same way we do. When you share something as basic as a sex organ and hormones one thinks that others that have the same junk will understand how they feel. This isn't so. I have found that women in fact become more critical and judgmental and unforgiving towards their own sex because they forget to do the most basic thing: treat other women the way that they would love to be treated themselves.
It's a golden rule for a reason folks, there are so many times some female friend does something that you can't wrap your mind around. "How could she do that? She knows how I feel about it." or "Why would she say that when she knows it's not ok?" Well, women can be about as thick with their own emotions as a bank vault, and when they get in the way of how we treat others it can become nasty.
Meanwhile, men get to have much more slack because they don't understand women very well at all. Women can't just blame a guy for each insensitive and hurtful thing he has said and done, the boys get to slide because after all, they aren't quite on the same level, are they? Sure, but while we're letting them slide, we are allowing them to continue the same behaviors and live without the consequences.
I'm as guilty as anyone when it comes to allowing males to get away with murder. I'm not as bad as some that I've seen, but I have noticed that when it comes to some situations I place the blame on the fact that this boy/man doesn't understand what I need/want and I can't do anything about it. Or I can, but it takes vulnerability to be able to tell someone what you need, seeing as the worst response would be a wildly resounding no. And that not only sucks bad, but leaves you hurt for longer than in necessary.
In my experience, everyone hurts everyone, and no matter what people will let you down. But I suggest using all of your might and will power to allow that to happen and to move on, not dwelling on the shame and guilt and pain that cripples. Because we are all only human after all, and no one is blameless.

"I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside."

Too Much To Relate To.

"I don't think you ran away because you couldn't handle death. I think it's because you couldn't handle feelings. You're not like that anymore. You're strong. You carry people. You carry me. You're becoming a man in a way that your father never was."

Don't got no money but I'm already here.

My good friend introduced a concept into my world yesterday. Really, it was this morning in the early hours. Irregardless, she told me of the idea that there are always two types of people in a relationship. Now, generally this is followed by giver and taker, or the one who loves more, or one who loves Star Wars episodes IV through VI and one who loves I-III. But this is not what she presented to me. Instead, it was that there is someone who remembers and someone who does not.

When it comes to remembering she was saying that there is one who forgets what it is like to be with the other. This person can't remember how the touch felt, how the other smelled and tasted, exactly how content and safe they were in the presence of this certain person. They have forgotten or blocked it, constantly needing be around the other in order to keep it, or when they are apart and re-meet they must have an initial jump-start to the relationship, giving them the opportunity to remember and get reacquainted with the feelings.

The other person is the one that does not forget, the one that remembers how the other tasted, who remembers if it was easy or hard to be with them, what they looked and smelled like, how they felt in those moments. When they are separated this one can't forget anything and holds it all close, not needing a jump-start but only to finally have it back, what they have missed for so long.

My closest friend is one who forgets. It's a fact, she remembers up to a certain point then hits a wall. She knows she loved certain parts and can't remember exactly why, but she knows she did, and then eventually she forgets most of the feelings that were involved. I think it's an automatic reaction for each person to either block things out or to have the hypersensitive memories. I say this about love, not random hook ups or whatever. Because when love is involved everything will hurt more it there's a wound or a break. So for some it's easier to block it out, to move on and live in the present. For others this break or absence becomes the background music of their lives, played softly, each word familiar and sung over and over.

Oh the joys of the season.

I might be moving across town. This means going through everything I own and getting rid of massive amounts of things. Why? Because I don't use most of it and it's weighing me down. I've got a life here, material possessions. I don't need you as much as you need me.

As I've been working on this (Slowly, sometimes more than other times like today) I have become semi-obsessed with figuring out how to make what I have into a comfy-cozy space of my own. It all started when I came across this site, then today when I found this one. Hello there, comfy-cozy space that would make my soul at ease! Why aren't you in my life? Oh yeah, because I'm a material goods warehouse. Obviously this needs to change.

It doesn't help that I need to do laundry. But that will happen tomorrow so I'm not too worried. I am worried that this sudden need for this sort of room will send me into a stupid shopping spree, but I'll try to refrain. I'm poor.

Speaking of shopping, let's talk Christmas.

The List:

1. Thus far I have asked my parents for two things. First is a new iPod, as mine wants to kick the bucket. If I were really greedy I'd ask for a computer, because this one is much like our lab Bear, trying to die.

2. I have also asked for a hardcore winter coat, seeing as I am freezing and by having one I might live through the winter. I need the padding people! And one that's of good quality and style. Like, maybe one that was bought at a store for me instead of handed down through three different people.

3. I have discovered a variable treasure trove of things that would make my room better, and it's all on the same site. This duvet cover or maybe this one would be perfect as mine was ruined by a kitten. These shelves are amazing and I want them. These glasses are fantastic and I've never seen anything like them.

4. As long as it's my wish list and I can ask for anything, I'd like to have a great New Years, complete with a party and a hangover in the morning.

Anyway, enough dreaming. Time to shower and be on my way to being productive.

Remix

Well, what a joy it is to find myself once again re-starting a project I never finished. I'm going to switch what kind of blog this is, because I'm not nearly patient enough to run it the other way. Now I'm thinking just a silly journal sort of thing. I like that idea because I can write whatever I want! Muahaha.
Let's start off with the subject of christmas presents. I don't think I'm getting any for anyone. Because I'm poor.
Done!